I’m sure I’m one of the millions of bloggers to mention Oprah’s recent confession, so let me apologize for the repetition. This particular celebrity confession is very near and dear to my heart, or stomach as the case may be. I too have been addicted to food for most of my life. At the age of 27, I found the help I needed to relieve the obsession. The solution I was lead to was a spiritual one. It was there I had my spiritual awakening and eventually made my way to Mother Mary, who I came to discover had been there the whole time. For so long I tortured myself with the belief that if I could just find the perfect way to eat, have the perfect body, career, spouse, life, I could control my eating, and then I would be happy. But I couldn’t, despite a massive effort to do so. At some point I had to stop caring why I overate and focus on asking for help.

But perfect people don’t ask for or need help, right? I thought if I could just pretend I wasn’t dying a slow death from my addiction, then I could make it so. Denial has been both friend and foe. The people I sought help from were just like me. They used food to abuse themselves and didn’t know how to stop on their own. They told me I was only as sick as my secrets. I believed them and began healing.

Oprah has served as an inspiration for so many, and by her admission of weight gain she does so again. I feel it takes a lot of courage to shed light on our dark places. Addiction of any type is riddled with shame, guilt and lost opportunities. Oprah’s honesty was a reminder to me that no matter what your circumstances, in the end we all struggle with things inside that supply endless ways to discover our true selves. Whenever I am willing to be honest first with myself and then with others, I become a little more me.

My family will be all together for Christmas for the first time in a long time. In the past, the mix of family and sugar has been my undoing. On one hand I am excited and happy we can be together, on the other… well I struggle with my feelings their visits inevitably bring up. I am by no means unique in this dichotomy. Mother has encouraged me in all situations to show up, be present, be myself and to relate with kindness. I don’t have to tap dance and put on a show. If I can stay honest and open, I’ll be fine. I doubt I will blog much until after Christmas. I’ve decided to focus on my family and see what happens.

I hope this season finds you well and able to be present with you and yours.

My boundaries with my son are improving daily. As a result something amazing is taking place in our household. First let me say my son is an exceptional person. I know what you are thinking every mom believes that about her child, and you are probable right. My son is sunshine. He lights up everything and everyone around him. He is generous and kind. He has a better sense of humor than most people I know. And he rarely misses a thing. Most of our discord is due to my inability to stand strong in my knowing of what he needs, rather than giving in to what he wants in the moment. Lately I am not allowing him to run the show as much and we are all feeling the relief. It’s as if all three of us had become used to bracing ourselves for his storms. We all breath deeper and have more energy to play. He wants to snuggle more and when he does use the storm to get his way, it blows itself out much sooner.

My mom used to always say to me when I asked why I had to do something, “because I said so”. I hated that then and see the wisdom of it now. My son is not really asking me for an explanation, he is registering a protest with the proper authorities. Ever since he began to understand language, I have been trying to explain myself and my reasons to him. I was so determined to do the opposite of my mom, I wasn’t paying attention to what was really going on. I believe explaining why to my son is perfectly reasonable and I feel he has a right to understand, but here are a few changes I was forced to make before I went insane.

1. I try to only explain it once.
If he asks me why over and over I know he is trying to manipulate me into changing my mind, because it has worked so well in the past. It is the wear them down tactic. I fell for it over and over. I thought I wasn’t being clear, so I would try harder to explain. Meanwhile bedtime was being prolonged minute by minute, creating the very thing he wanted. Brilliant boy!

2.I have made my explanations short and easy.
I can be a bit wordy, yeah, I like to talk. That doesn’t work so well on a toddler, except if it prolongs bedtime. (see 1.)

I thought some of my biggest issues were with men, explaining myself over and over because they weren’t changing the way I thought they should change. Apparently I will defer to anyone of the male gender who behaves with authority regardless of age. My son was born with confidence in every bone of his body. I may have been, but I lost a lot of it along the way.

My son reminds me daily how much I need sunshine. Like air and water it is equally important. If I don’t make room for everyone to breath, especially myself, I feel as though I am withering, becoming insignificant. Mother teaches me that my power flows effortlessly from my being. Regaining that lost confidence is more about uncovering what has been dormant or hidden, rather than creating something from scratch. I see this so clearly in the way my son treats me. If I respect myself enough to trust what feels right, then he respects me, when I don’t…..well let’s just say we are crying ourselves a river over here.

Repression is a painful experience on so many levels. I think learning to withhold some things growing up can be a benefit, but most things not. I notice many children are able to express big emotion at any moment. The exuberant joy is one thing out in the world, the temper tantrums, another. Learning to express ourselves with mindfulness and remain true, is a challenge, but one that can be achieved if we receive enough love, attention and healthy modeling growing up. I didn’t get enough of those things, so I’m learning to receive them now.

I never learned to accept my less popular emotions because I was told there was no place for them. So to get what I thought I wanted, I pretended they didn’t exist. I’ve been cleaning up the mess caused by all the withheld energy I was afraid to express for the last fifteen years. I’ve had some experiences with emotional release that were startling in what came out and the force with which it moved in my body. My spiritual journey has been about buried treasure. Fist I search, then I uncover, and if I’m willing, I release it.

There in sometimes lies the difficulty, willingness. It is capricious and at times elusive. I can no more make myself willing, than I can make myself happy. I can however take an action. Some things that get me in the mood to become willing are, prayer, meditation, writing, and reading spiritual works. The best place to do these things is in front of my alter, and for some of it, on my knees.

Mother has said often, “Bring me your rage, sorrow and joy. Pour it into Me so I can transform it, because connected we can do anything. But when you choose to stay separate from Me I must honor your choice even knowing it will be harder for you.”

I know now that when I withhold, I am actively staying separate from Her because I want to hang on to whatever it is I feel compelled to hang on to. It is a lonely feeling and one that takes more and more energy to maintain. Here are some clues that help me know I’m hiding or avoiding something: overly tired, wanting to eat when I’m not hungry, self imposed isolation, and feeling resentful. When I feel these things all together, I think uh oh, the perfect storm.

Withholding in a highly charged situation literally makes me feel sick and exhausted. I am not as tolerant as I once was to repression. The longer I tread this path the sharper my ability to read my inner compass becomes. It is easier to recognize when I am trying to sell myself something. In short it is harder to lie to myself. Someone told me once I am only as sick as my secrets. I used to think that only applied to what I didn’t reveal to others, now I understand it is about what I am unwilling to reveal to myself.

Thank you Mother for setting me free!