In the last nine months I have had a small group of new clients at the end of their emotional rope because their oldest son is experiencing severe behavioral problems. What makes my ears perk up is the similarities they share with my own son. Their difficulties are impacting the family dynamic and putting harmony out of reach. But the worst for these parents is the labeling at school their sons are receiving and the pressure is mounting to put them on medication. They envision a life of painful socialization for their precious son and would do anything to help him. As is often the case they seek Mother Mary as a last resort. They have tried and exhausted every possibility and exude the energy of desperation. My own son takes after me in his sensitive nature. Even as I write those words it conjures an image of a quiet, thoughtful child, more at home with puzzles than trucks. But that is not my son. He is loud and boisterous and has more energy and exuberance for life than anyone I’ve ever known. He loves to crash his toys and talks endlessly of superheros and their bad guy foils. He is sweet and smart and is at home with anyone, anywhere. He enjoys books as much as riding his bike. He is never still even in sleep, except when he watches television.
I confess I started putting him in front of Baby Einstein videos when he was about 18 to 19 months old. At the time I was unaware of the American Pediatric Associations recommendation that children not watch television until they are two years old. My son loved those videos right away. They seemed sweet and harmless. And I’m sure to most children they are, but something was taking place inside my son as a result of watching television I wouldn’t see for many difficult years. My son always wanted constant holding and walking from the start. If you sat down to hold him he would howl in protest until I began to pace and sway again. His stillness in front of the TV was a break for us both, or so I thought.
The common thread between my son and my clients children was the rage and defiance. There were periods that it seemed as if he was going from one meltdown to the next. His first reaction to most anything was no and the intractable attitude that followed wore my husband and I down to the nub. He seemed to take up all the space in our home. It was tough on our marriage because we didn’t have a lot of energy left over for it. The TV was our refuge as well. We were fortunate that with other people and at day care he only displayed normal acting out for his age. Our pediatrician and others assured us that it was normal, most kids save the crazy making for home. But my intuition kept telling me there had to be a better way.
As I listened to Mother as She outlined a plan for helping these parents help their children, a theme emerged. Mother told them there children were very sensitive energetically and it was vital not to over stimulate them. She likened it to sleep deprivation. It would seem logically that if you are tired you would sleep more and that is true in the short term. But if you are consistently sleep deprived you sleep less and less until you are suffering from chronic insomnia. Mother said overstimulating these kids was setting up the same issues you would experience with sleep deprivation. Extreme irritability, feeling stretched too thin which triggered a need to fight back. She said a child doesn’t understand what is happening to them and so they lash out with rage and frustration. They are generally very needy and clingy because that is their way of begging you to help them because they don’t have the words to describe how they are feeling or why.
This is what She has told them to do. NO TV! (this is where they usually protest) Limit screen time of video games to 1/2 an hour a day at most. Get them outside and connected with nature. Try to give them fresh non processed foods. Get involved with something they love. And find a place to channel their anger, whether it’s a punching bag or martial arts. Mother suggests music and dance the whole family can do. Mother explained that television overstimulates theses sensitive children almost immediately. It appears deceptive because they are so still and focused. But what’s happening in their little minds and bodies is a maelstrom of energy waiting to unleash itself in the rest of their day. When Mother explained all the everyday stimulation these kids are dealing with like family emotions, school mates emotions, colors, noise, traffic, not to mention the school work they’re are expected to focus on, I began to see how it becomes impossible for them to stay centered and grounded in their bodies.
After being stimulated at daycare for seven hours a day, my son was coming home and even a half hour cartoon on PBS pushed him over the edge and we lurched from one battle to the next. I’m certainly not blaming it all on the TV. There are and will continue to be all my issues and my husbands issues that play themselves out in our family dynamic, but a month ago something miraculous took place in our home. All the things Mother had suggested to those parents we had been doing for years except cutting out the TV. My husband and I finally got the courage to face our son’s wrath no matter what and we cut out the TV entirely. Compared to what we were expecting his reaction was minor. And the difference in him is huge. His natural sweetness and kindness is now the dominant behavior mode and the defiance is at a normal level. He has flipped the two. The few times we let him watch a cartoon movie for a special treat the effect was immediately apparent. His anger and frustration were in the forefront.
When you’ve lived with so much screaming and temper tantrums for so long this feels like nothing short of a miracle. The clients who have put in place the structure Mother has suggested are getting powerful results. Now when my son expresses anger or frustration it lasts from one to three minutes, and it’s done and we all move on. Everything Mother suggests for sensitive children works but for us setting those limits on the TV screen has saved the day. Maybe I can help my son be at peace with his sensitive nature so he won’t bury it the way I had to to survive.
