I hope you enjoyed our first guest blogger. Thanks Robin!
Let’s plunge in. Anger has been a companion of late. I’m feeling it just below the surface, like a shark gliding back and forth searching for a victim to strike. I create fantasy he said she said scenarios in my head complete with scathing words and clever arguments. It took me a few weeks to face it. Why are you here, I ask it. What is your offering? My anger proceeds to show me the jealousy that swirles inside me. I have fallen back into the trap of comparative thinking. Damn.
Comparing myself to others can only be done in black and white. Someone else has what I believe I should have, because I want it, and it’s not fair. My five year old son and I share many attributes, that’s one of them. I can feel the desire to stomp my feet and howl my deprivation to the heavens. The great irony is Mother Mary’s meditation last night was on gratitude. As the hour went on I felt my anger draining away with the onset of images representing the gift of my life. Damn.
I still don’t want love to be the answer sometimes. A shrinking part of me wants to nurse my perceived lack until my misery dominates my life. The good news is I didn’t flog myself for not “GETTING IT”! As in because I know I shouldn’t do something I should stop doing it. After last nights meditation I came downstairs to find a beautiful dinner on the table and my husband and son laughing, just fresh in from outside. I believe it is the willingness to stop flogging myself that has made the biggest impact on my life. I will most likely always experience envy, greed, lack and all the rest. But putting down the whip lets me move through it in a relatively short period of time. The punishing of myself used to commence daily and would result in depressions lasting months and at times years.
Mother has been showing me from the beginning specifically how to be kind to myself. It is not through facts and distant instruction, but through the experiences of my life, persistently revealing to my mental, emotion, and physical bodies the ways I punished myself, She offered another way. I chose Her new way sparingly in the beginning and later with greater frequency. I knew form our first connection that Mother wasn’t healing me so I could achieve money, a mate, fame, or even happiness necessarily, she was offering me self realization. Not the kind that brought the multitudes clamoring for healing at the temple door, but the quiet peace that comes from knowing I’m alright as I am.
When I feel all is well I’m free to serve in whatever capacity She requires. When I serve I feel all my needs are met and I require nothing. My cure for jealousy is to be present in my life so I can know what I have and how little I need. From there an opportunity to serve restores my faith in love as the answer to all my problems. Amen.
