I flew in from Atlanta late Monday night. I landed with a gritty headache from a day spent in a book and too many time zones. But I also landed with a greater sense of freedom than when I left. Last weekends course on Moving From Questions to Actions was powerful in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time. Mother Mary’s energy radiated power through my body that swept aside all doubts, just as flood waters sweep aside giant oaks as if they were twigs. Mother focused on the question why. She spoke of it becoming a defense rather than an invitation into the depths at some point in our journey.

When I first began awakening to consciousness, I was desperate to know why. I felt so abused and misunderstood by everyone and everything, especially myself, I needed to make sense of it all. But I became aware that many of my whys were an angry cry to the gods, full of self pity and regret for my life. Why me? Why did it all have to happen to me? Also I used why to delay taking action. I justified tearing things apart and analyzing them until their parts didn’t even resemble the whole anymore. Why became an endless side road I could take when I couldn’t face my fear and walk through it.

Mother encouraged us to feel rather than think so much about our lives. She said why still had a place in our lives but it was best not to use it if it was keeping us from feeling. I am becoming more aware of how little the answer to why matters anymore. On Saturday Mother asked us, if we were to be shown all the motivations of why all the people in our lives did what they did to us and why we did what we did, would it change what we do now? She said knowing all that would overwhelm our senses and pull us under. And it did feel like a weight as She was describing it. For me the truth is if I knew why, it would hurt more than it already does and I would still be dealing with the effects of the actions they took in my life today. So instead of solving the great mystery it would only burden me further. Because what I’ve convinced myself of over the years is that if I just knew why the event would cease to be, as if the deed never happened. I can stand back and see the total lack of logic inherent in that belief, and yet there it is. I believe knowing why creates safety but it simply weighs me down.

It is a relief not to chase why around in my head endlessly. Letting go of why feels like a big step toward forgiveness. It frees up more attention to how I’m feeling and listening to the guidance Mother and my own soul are offering. I felt saturated in Mothers devotion to us and mine to Her this weekend. It was full of feeling. Returning home I am faced with all the same joys, frustrations and toilets that need cleaning,  but there is a shift, more illumination on the path to Mother and a knowing I can’t get lost anymore.

Enjoy this months guest blogger, Brian Mahan, my long time friend and fellow traveler. You can learn more about his life’s work at www.briandmahan.com.

Comedy and Trauma

As fate would have it, I find myself sitting in a beautiful cabin in Summer Haven, Arizona, overlooking mountains spotted with new growth of Ponderosa Pines, amidst the skeletons of what must have been, at one time, a lush forest, prior to the decimation of fire.  It makes me ponder (pardon the pun) about the cycle of life and nature’s capacity to heal itself.  It reminds me that, “All the king’s horses, And all the king’s men, Couldn’t put Humpty [Dumpty] together again,” but I guess they didn’t know about Dr. Peter Levine’s technique, Somatic Experiencing, to re-negotiate developmental and shock traumas.  Had they known, there surely would have been a Phoenix rising out of that broken shell.

People used to tell me often that I was hard on myself. It always took me by surprise. I couldn’t see it. I thought I was being strong and forthright. After years of internal shifting I am kinder to myself and no one tells me I am hard on myself any more. This past weekend I had a new surprise. As I was saying my good byes after a Constellation workshop many people thanked me for being emotionally courageous. Some told me I inspired them. Being open with my emotions out in the world is normal for me now, but it wasn’t always. I used to be shut down and numb to what was going on inside myself. It was one more gift, after a weekend of gifts, to be reminded of how far I have evolved emotionally.

My friend Marina McDonald with her partner Daniel Salisbury, has embarked upon Movements of Love. It is a blending of Constellation and Hakomi methods of healing. I encourage you to explore their website www.movementsoflove.org. I have never experienced anything like it. It opened me to a profound shift in consciousness on every level. The work, as I understand it, is designed to bring about ancestral healing. Until this weekend, I had been unaware of the importance the energy of my ancestors played in my life. We are not taught in this culture to honor our ancestors. Coming from an difficult childhood I never felt I honored my parents. I loved them and had forgiven them to a great degree, but there was no honor in my experience of my family. The work facilitates a coming together of all the ancestors in ones family to bring about healing and connection that the absence of, now feels to me, the cause of much of the difficulty we face in our modern societies. We have cut ourselves off form our most powerful earthly allies. I am grateful beyond words for what has opened as a result.

The best part of it all is the knowing that it was time. I now allow myself to be open to Mother Mary’s timing of things in my life. In my experience She is much better at arranging things than am I. I had done the Constellation work on two previous occasions and while I felt the significance of it I did not have as deep an experience as I did this past weekend. On Saturday I had a constellation of my own. Mother Mary cracked me wide open in preparation for it. I woke up sick with a cold on Friday. Not so sick to keep me home, but sick enough to keep my defenses low. Everything about it felt right. I felt safe and carried throughout the whole weekend. What I needed was provided. Because of that, I was free to open fully to what was there for me to receive. Now rolling around on the floor crying may not be your idea of a good time, but for me it is life giving.

Today I have a different experience of my father and mother. The pool of acceptance and love for them is deeper and wider than before. But the best part is I can feel it all. No more am I numb to my life and all it’s unique grandeur. I’m grateful for my life and for all of you who share it with me.

Namaste’