I flew in from Atlanta late Monday night. I landed with a gritty headache from a day spent in a book and too many time zones. But I also landed with a greater sense of freedom than when I left. Last weekends course on Moving From Questions to Actions was powerful in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time. Mother Mary’s energy radiated power through my body that swept aside all doubts, just as flood waters sweep aside giant oaks as if they were twigs. Mother focused on the question why. She spoke of it becoming a defense rather than an invitation into the depths at some point in our journey.

When I first began awakening to consciousness, I was desperate to know why. I felt so abused and misunderstood by everyone and everything, especially myself, I needed to make sense of it all. But I became aware that many of my whys were an angry cry to the gods, full of self pity and regret for my life. Why me? Why did it all have to happen to me? Also I used why to delay taking action. I justified tearing things apart and analyzing them until their parts didn’t even resemble the whole anymore. Why became an endless side road I could take when I couldn’t face my fear and walk through it.

Mother encouraged us to feel rather than think so much about our lives. She said why still had a place in our lives but it was best not to use it if it was keeping us from feeling. I am becoming more aware of how little the answer to why matters anymore. On Saturday Mother asked us, if we were to be shown all the motivations of why all the people in our lives did what they did to us and why we did what we did, would it change what we do now? She said knowing all that would overwhelm our senses and pull us under. And it did feel like a weight as She was describing it. For me the truth is if I knew why, it would hurt more than it already does and I would still be dealing with the effects of the actions they took in my life today. So instead of solving the great mystery it would only burden me further. Because what I’ve convinced myself of over the years is that if I just knew why the event would cease to be, as if the deed never happened. I can stand back and see the total lack of logic inherent in that belief, and yet there it is. I believe knowing why creates safety but it simply weighs me down.

It is a relief not to chase why around in my head endlessly. Letting go of why feels like a big step toward forgiveness. It frees up more attention to how I’m feeling and listening to the guidance Mother and my own soul are offering. I felt saturated in Mothers devotion to us and mine to Her this weekend. It was full of feeling. Returning home I am faced with all the same joys, frustrations and toilets that need cleaning,  but there is a shift, more illumination on the path to Mother and a knowing I can’t get lost anymore.

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