Big movements seem to happen in clusters for me. I don’t know why that is, but it is. I can feel very few changes in my internal life for years and then a flurry of changes occur and I feel new. Almost as if I learn to walk all over again. Food tastes different, the world seems slower, more still.
I continue living the shifts brought about by the Movements of Love with Marina and Daniel I participated in back in October. As I wrote about before I shifted some long held energy around my father and men in general. Marina had mentioned that according to the work, the energy and vitality for our careers comes through our fathers ancestry. No wonder mine had always stayed small. I was emotionally and energetically cut off from him and his line. Since that shift Mother Mary’s audio course I had put together for DailyOm back in June went live mid October and has hovered at #1 ever since. I love the generosity of the universe. Confirmation of my shift comes easily and with significance.
Less than a week after the course began to sell, my cousin Patty contacted me through Face Book to tell me she had a box of my fathers childhood things and did I want them. I had not spoken to my cousin since my fathers funeral 31 years ago. I loved her and my grandmother but when my grandmother died six months before my father, my cousin was my only reason to stay connected to his family but I was too young and too full of fear of my aunt and uncle to do so. When I got her email, I was filled with gratitude and didn’t feel the slightest hesitation in saying yes to her in my life. Not only was I being given the chance to heal old wounds but offered a glimpse into my fathers young life, to know him before the alcoholism warped his life and ours.
Just after the course, my husband came up with the brilliant idea to build my writing/work studio, which I needed now that our son is a more boisteous presence in our home, by sectioning off a quarter of the garage and putting in an outside entrance. We finished it yesterday. It’s exactly what I needed. He said the idea “just came to him”, that he wasn’t thinking of it at all at the time. We both knew it was Mother’s creation. It was a simple and inexpensive way to meet my needs.
The last major event to occur may seem like the other shoe dropping and in truth a year ago I would have seen it as just that, but now it feels like direction. Last week my son was diagnosed with Tourette’s Syndrome. As sometimes happens with Tourette’s he has the ADHD and aggression/defiance component. On one hand I was hoping the doctor would tell my husband and I that we were the problem and if we just changed this and that about ourselves our son would be fine. She didn’t. On the other hand the relief is enormous that we didn’t screw him up and now we have been given a way forward. We had been lurching around in the dark for so long, the light felt like home and safety. We are finally getting great results on the Feingold diet since we became willing to do it exactly as the organization recommends,(imagine that) which feels like a full blown miracle. His aggression is GONE and his tics are minimal. He is much less hyper, more calm and focused. Instead of shaking my fist at the heavens and demanding to know why, I am feeling simple sadness that my son chose something difficult and challenging. As a mother I feel the irrational desire for him to have an easy painless life.
I am at peace today with the life variety. More soon from my cozy new space.
Go forward, knowing the Path will vanish under you
Open your arms, knowing they will burn away
Give everything you are, knowing it is nothing
Bathe always in His river, even when it’s blood.
- Jalal-ud-Din Rumi
(Translated by Andrew Harvey from A Year of Rumi)
Namaste’ Danielle
