I finally stopped and realized it has been months since my last post. I would like to claim that I have been wildly busy with all sorts of abundance, but the truth is I have been more busy than usual with a heavy dose of procrastination thrown in. The course, Falling in Love with Yourself, Mother Mary put together for DailyOm.com was successful and enjoyed a three month run as their #1 course. I felt surprised and grateful, yet cunning fear was germinating like a seed buried in soil. The course generated interest and traffic for my website with many inquiries to attend to, yet instead of blogging about it and attempting to generate more interest, I fell off the momentum wagon and convinced myself I only had time to focus on the flurry of emails and the rest of my normal work week.
After the last workshop, Mother asked us to commune with our critical selves and discover what our biggest fears the critical self was helping us not to face. She explained that all that criticism it has kept up over the years was designed to keep us safe from the things we couldn’t face when they were first happening. The two that keep coming forward into my knowing is fear of exposure and fear of abandonment. No wonder I’ve done so little over the last sixteen years I’ve been channeling to offer Mother Mary’s teachings to the wider world. The potential for thousands to be drawn to Mother through me is likely, which plays into the fear of exposure, and the potential for those thousands to move on to something else is also possible leaving me in the feeling of being abandoned.
I realize these fears are based in my past of attracting abuse and allowing it to happen long after my childhood was over. I haven’t been in abusive situations since my mid twenties and haven’t ever been abandoned as an adult. Yet these persist. I have faced my fears in bits like bread crumbs, each one when consumed and integrated leads me home. Today as I look for the next crumb it seems larger than most. To consume these two fears by facing and possibly feeling them requires a leap of faith that they won’t consume me.
What I feel my soul is whispering to me in it’s still small voice is the realization that it is the avoidance of them that will consume me. At forty four I run the risk of bitterness as I turn away from my destiny yet again. My critical self tells me that to risk is to die, my soul tells to the opposite. I am coming to believe my soul while Mother shows my the path to forgiveness with my critical self. I am accustomed to berating myself at perceived lost opportunities instead of expressing gratitude to my critical self for a job well done. And then teaching her it isn’t necessary for her to continue. I’m being asked to assign her new duties until I can face what she has been holding in trust for me all these years. The resulting integration providing a new definition of safety, one that is based in Spirit rather than my limitations.
I have missed my blog and the voice it gives me. It is part of my healing. Today I can appreciate my procrastination for it’s childish protective qualities and remind myself that with Mother illuminating my path I have nothing to worry about.
Happy New Year!
Namaste’ Danielle
